In My Brother's Arms
by theyoungertorres
Summary: "I love you." Some laughed, some took the words seriously. How were they supposed to know he was really saying goodbye?


Author's Note: This was a story I wrote a year ago for a creative writing contest. It was a personal story about my own experiences, but I decided to rewrite parts of it so that it could be worked into the Degrassi fandom. To add onto that, I read it a few times over, but if any names are not from the Degrassi franchise then I accidentally forgot to change them from the original names given to the characters. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 7:29 P.M.

He looked around his childhood bedroom, seventeen years' worth of memories returning to him as he sat down on his mattress. The room itself had only been his for a few years, but still the memories of the past stretched across space and time. He remembered fighting with his mother over the green and blue comforter as she continuously tried to steer him into the direction of the pink and purple sheets on the other side of the store. That had been years ago back when he still had been masquerading as "Gracie" before his mother had grown to love the son she had.

The journey to acceptance and tolerance had had more problems than just comforters and sheets. He stood up and walked over to his dresser, opening the top drawer and taking out an old, beaten up Batman lunchbox. He remembered bringing it to school back in the second grade. He had been so proud to show off his favorite superhero only to have it thrown on the ground as everyone laughed at him. _Girls _couldn't have Batman lunchboxes.

Smiling briefly at the memory, he remembered how his brother had stood up for him and then sat with him at lunch for the rest of the year despite the fact he was a_ third_ grader. Shaking off the past, he opened it and dumped out its contents on the mahogany surface. To those who knew (and there were few who did), the lighter and broken hair clip were once security blankets – and feared items to the boy who owned them.

He pulled his white sweater over his head, partially because he didn't want his family to have to throw out an almost new shirt and partially because he wanted to remind himself that he wasn't a dramatic person. There – up and down his arms – were burn marks, scars that reminded him that every moment of physical and emotional abuse was real. That he had been angry and depressed – that he _was _angry and depressed. The scars reminded of that.

There was another item in the box, but unlike the other two, this item was new – bought within the last forty-eight hours. He had gone to a friend two weeks earlier and asked about the complications of getting a fake I.D. He remembered the way his friend had smirked and promised him one by the end of the week, relieved that he was finally going to have a drinking companion. Had he known that the I.D. wasn't for liquor, he would have refused.

He had driven an hour away to a pawn shop he had found on the internet. He hadn't wanted to risk being spotted by someone from school – or by a member of his family. He had asked if they had what he was looking for and the scruffy man on the other side of the counter had grunted an affirmative answer before asking for the I.D. He had nervously passed over the I.D. of "Jordan Grey" and waited for several seconds before the man nodded.

The man then proceeded to ask him several questions: the make, the type, the _purpose_. He hadn't known the answers to the first two questions, but he did remind himself of the lie he had created. When the interrogation was over, the man nodded again, packaged up "Jordan's" order and then proceeded to ask if he wanted to smoke. He wasn't a smoker, but he realized that it hadn't mattered anymore. What was one cigarette anyway?

He touched the revolver. The man said it was cheap – cheap, but good. The man had also given him a red box of bullets, saying that he thought that that particular brand might be the best for him. He hadn't understood the difference between the red box and the white box so he had merely said thank you and walked away. The closest he had ever been to a gun had been in a video game and he had never imagined himself actually ever buying one.

However, he here was – standing in a room with a gun in his hand. He opened the box of ammunition and dumped the bullets out onto the dresser before loading the gun. He paused, stuffing his hand into his pocket and taking out a crumbled up piece of paper with several words crossed out. He always thought that saying goodbye would be easy, but it turns out it wasn't. The letter had been harder to write then purchasing the actual gun.

He had started off by explaining the reasons behind his action before crossing out the paragraph. They knew. They may not have understood his anger or the reasons behind his tears, but they knew. He didn't want to make them feel blind or stupid. He then proceeded to say how it wasn't their fault. He ended up crossing that out too. It was a lie. They had loved him, yes, but they had also taught him that love wasn't always enough.

He finally had settled on four words: _I love you all._

He had then signed his name and now he was looking at those six words staring up at him on the dresser. He wanted to believe he had done everything right. He had made this as easy as possible for his family. He had arranged a date night for his mother and step-father so they wouldn't be home. He had convinced his brother to go out with his fiance. He had told his friends that he wasn't feeling well. No one would stumble onto him until after.

With a final glance around his room, wondering if he should have cleaned first so that the police wouldn't have to be stepping over dirty laundry, he put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

* * *

Andrew Torres opened the door to his house and yawned, shrugging off his leather jacket as he walked into his house. He hung it up before looking around the living room, surprised that his step-brother wasn't hogging the Xbox. Normally whenever Drew left the house, he wasted no opportunity in ejecting his brother's copy of Rock Band and playing his own game which tended to be more violent and less musically inclined.

Drew shook his head and smirked, wondering how he, the tone deaf member of the family, enjoyed Rock Band while his step-brother, who could carry a tune and could pick up string instruments in a matter of months, preferred the blood and the gore. He guessed you really could never know what was going on in someone's mind.

He walked over to the Xbox and picked up one of the controllers, playing with it in his hand. He sighed. It had been weeks since he had last played with his brother and he was sure that he was feeling left out and abandoned. Ever since Drew got engaged to Bianca and got a summer job, he knew he rarely had any free time to spend the night at home with his family. Well, he had a whole night now to prove himself to his brother.

Just as he was about to call for his brother, Drew heard the strangest sound. It sounded like a loud pop and he was reminded of the summer a year ago when he, his brother, and their father had gone camping. After being persuaded to by his sons, Mr. Torres had set off a couple of firecrackers that had Drew covering his ears while his brother laughed. It had made sense at the time though. Due to the games he played, his brother was used to gun…

Drew felt the color leave his face and suddenly had the desperate urge to be sick.

"Adam!" Drew called, sprinting up the stairs, taking two at a time almost slipping at the top one because of one of his brother's socks, "Adam, what was that sound?" Drew swallowed the lump in his throat, pounding on his brother's door, "Adam…" He was choking on his words and he was suddenly angry at his brother for making him worry by not answering the door, "Adam, you better not be playing with Dad's firecrackers! Mom will kill you!"

After waiting another second, Drew pounded on the door again, "Adam, open the door or I'm coming in!"

Another second ticked by slowly and Drew shouted at the door where he hoped Adam was lounging on his bed, listening to obnoxiously loud music, "Alright! I'm coming in!" Drew threw himself at the door, trying to force it open, but it remained firmly shut. He shouted desperately, not even knowing what he was saying, as he punched at the wood, kicking it, scratching it, anything to make it open. It held steadfast throughout his entire assault.

Drew had never hated Adam more. Not even the time that he had stained his favorite Superman shirt because he wanted to wear it after his mother had forbidden Adam from wearing any boy's clothes. Not even when he had accidentally broken his DS. He hated his brother for not answering his door, for making him cry and scream and worry. He hated Adam, but he knew if Adam opened the door now, he would throw himself down at his brother's feet.

He reached out and grabbed the doorknob, twisting it in anger and desperation.

The door swung open.

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 7:29 A.M.

"If you had one day left to live, what would you do?"

"What?"

Adam looked down at his controller. He knew he had sprung the question out on Drew, but when he saw his brother walking down those stairs in his leather jacket, he was unable to help himself. It was obvious by his gelled hair and confident smirk that his brother was going out to see Bianca, his fiance, and whenever the two got together it was unlikely that Adam would see Drew until dinner… the next night.

"I was just… right now, everyone is all about only living once and I just wanted to know that if you were going to die tomorrow, if today was your last day, what would you do?"

"After trying to score with Bianca," Adam tried to smile at Drew's joke, but obviously it didn't work because his brother's face grew more serious, "Well, I would definitely want to spend some of the day with her, but I would also want to spend it with everyone I care about. I would want to tell everyone I love them one last time and maybe I would even do something I was always too scared to do before. I would also like to try and beat you at Black Ops."

"That would never happen even if you were dying."

The two Torres brothers laughed before Drew grew serious once more, "Adam… is everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It was just a stupid question," Adam grinned, "Have fun with Bianca."

Drew returned Adam's smirk, winking suggestively, "You can count on that."

Adam shook his head, watching his brother turn to leave.

"Oh, and Drew?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"Yeah, yeah, me too, baby bro."

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 8:01 A.M.

Adam knocked on the door of his best friend's house, Eli Goldsworthy, waiting impatiently for him to answer. He knew it was early and he knew that since school had gotten out only two days earlier, his best friend was probably enjoying sleeping in after so many months. Normally he would let him sleep except he had to see him today. He _had_ to.

Fortunately the wait was not very long and Eli opened the door, rubbing his face tiredly, his long, brown hair disheveled and knotted. He raised an eyebrow as he saw Adam standing there, "Adam? What brings you to Casa Goldsworthy so early? I thought you would still be in bed."

"Couldn't sleep," Adam bounced on the balls of his feet, "Are you busy?"

"Well, considering that it is," Eli glanced down at his watch before shooting a playful glare in Adam's direction, "Barely eight in the morning, I would have to say no, I'm not busy. Why? What's going on?"

"Come on," Adam tugged at Eli's arm, "Let's go."

"Whoa, slow down, Torres. Where exactly are we going?"

"Remember, how I said I would consider drinking with you this summer?" Eli nodded, already knowing where Adam's words were heading. They had been friends for over two years now since Adam had started at Degrassi his sophomore year and sometimes it scared them both how quickly they understood one another. "Well, it's summer and I have money. Let's find a liquor store that's open and toast to our friendship… or some other sentimental crap."

Eli smirked, "I'm in, Torres, but can I at least get dressed first?"

Adam glanced at Eli's bare chest and black boxers, "Fine, but hurry it up."

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 8:28 A.M.

"So when are you going to explain this all to me, Torres?"

Adam glanced at Eli nervously, "I explained everything. I had money and I wanted to celebrate the start of summer with my friend. You only live once, right?"

Eli rolled his eyes at his Adam's last words, "Not you too, but I guess you're right. Still," He frowned seriously, carefully analyzing Adam with his piercing green eyes, "Are you sure that you're okay?"

With his eyes staring out the window, Adam muttered, "Yeah, I'm fine." He then glanced at Eli, giving him a weak smile, "Honestly." When Eli nodded, Adam's stare turned to the clock and noticed that two minutes had gone by, "Hey, the store's open now if you want to go in." Adam went to open the car door, but Eli stopped him. The two teenagers turned and faced one another, Adam raising an eyebrow.

"How about I go in alone? It might look suspicious if two kids go in together."

"You've been doing this longer," Adam relented and took out his wallet, handing Eli a twenty, "Just… buy a case of beer or something. Whatever's good?"

"Okay, Torres," Eli eyed him, "You're small. You should be fine with beer." And with that he left the car, slamming the door shut behind him. Adam watched him go inside, watching his tall form in the glass as he went to the back of the store, pick up a large case of what he assumed was beer and head over to the counter. He saw Eli calmly hand the man at the counter his I.D. before smiling and leaving the store.

Adam turned to face Eli as he opened the door, "Everything good?"

"Everything's perfect," Eli put the case of beer in the backseat, "I got us a thirty case if that's okay. That way if we get bored later this week, we can have some extra."

Adam smiled weakly, "Great."

"So I was thinking," Eli began as he pulled out of the parking lot, "That we should drink this at the park. It's early – only joggers will really be out – and if we stay in the car, it shouldn't look too suspicious, but if you're nervous, we can always head back to my place and just chill in my room?"

"The park works."

"Okay," Eli nodded and began driving. They drove in silence for a few minutes until Eli glanced over at his friend, his face somber, "So… I know your secret."

Adam met his stare, feeling the color leave his face. How could he have known? He had driven an hour away… he had told no one and he made sure that his door was always locked whenever he left the house. Did owning a gun… did contemplating suicide make you stand out somehow? Was there something different about him now? The two friends stared at each other for a couple of seconds before Adam spoke, "Secret? What secret?"

"It's okay," Eli began, suddenly looking nervous himself and Adam instantly pitied his friend. He had never had to try and talk someone out of killing themselves before so he could not imagine what was going on in Eli's mind. "You know that I've felt the same way as you before." No he didn't. Adam stared at Eli in surprise. He had seriously contemplated suicide before? When and what made him decide to keep on living?

"What?"

"I think that Becky has really proven herself to be a great girl despite everything that happened with Romeo and Jules. You should go for it," Eli said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck as he stared out of the window, "I want you to be happy, man, and if Becky could make you happy… well, then you should be with her. I give you my blessing."

"_What_?" Adam stared at Eli, not sure if he should be relieved or shocked, "Eli, I don't… I don't like Becky. I mean, I did once, but I… I don't think she would go for a guy… you know… like me."

Eli frowned, "Adam, you're a great guy even if you are trans. That's just one part of you – a large part I admit, but just one part. If Becky were to turn you down then she would be turning down a great guy. She could do a lot worse. Just think about it, man."

"I guess," Adam glanced out the window, trying to hide his expression from Eli, "I don't think I really want to have a girlfriend right now, Eli, to be honest. I just want to enjoy the summer with my friends."

"If that includes drinking, sounds good to me, man. I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay with it," Eli grinned before pulling into the park, turning off his car as he reached into the backseat and pulled out two cans of beer, "I thought that since this is your first time, we might as well get good stuff so I got us Guinness."

Not really understanding the differences between beer, Adam merely nodded before opening the can and taking a sip, coughing as the bitter liquid slid down his throat, "That's _disgusting_."

"Isn't it?" Eli laughed, already finishing his first can and reaching for a second. Adam watched in amazement as his friend, chugged his second can, noticing out of the corner of his eye that barely three minutes had passed since his first drink. "It gets better, I promise."

Taking another sip of his beer and wincing, Adam stared at Eli and said, "I love you, man."

Eli laughed.

"Finish at least two more cans of beer before you get all mushy on me, dude."

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 11:03 A.M.

"Three burgers, no pickles on mine, two orders of fries for the table, and three cokes."

The waitress finished writing down their order before smiling and hurrying away to help another table leaving Adam, Eli, and Clare Edwards alone once more. After Adam and Eli had finished half the case of beer, the two had laughed and playfully punched one another, reverting back younger and more innocent versions of themselves. However, even behind his laughter and smiles, Adam's thoughts remained on the gun in his room.

Eventually, Adam had been unable to hold his liquor anymore and Eli had patted his back, laughing quietly as his friend retched on a park trail. After feeling nauseous for the rest of the morning, Adam had sobered up and the two teenagers had driven to Clare's house, picking her up while trying to hide the beer. Despite her relationship with Eli, Clare had never been too thrilled about her boyfriend's "extracurricular" activities.

However, Eli couldn't keep a secret and Adam had demanded him to pull over during their drive so the secret was out anyway. Clare had chastised Eli for getting Adam drunk, but she had gently rubbed the latter's back, stroking his brown hair, all the while shooting glares at her boyfriend from under knitted eyebrows. She loved Eli more than anything, but Adam had been her best friend through so many hard times. He was a brother to her in many ways.

After Adam had emptied the contents of his stomach, Eli had suggested that the three of them get something to eat and Clare had agreed on the single condition that she was behind the wheel. Eli had frowned at that. No one was allowed to drive his car, but he eventually lost his resolve as his girlfriend continued to glower at him and he had climbed into the passenger seat, sulking for almost the entire drive.

That brought them to the present where the three of them were sitting at a table, Adam having just ordered for the table. Despite Eli offering to pay for Clare and himself, Adam had remained firm and said that he wanted to treat his friends. When asked about his new found generosity, he had simply responded by repeating what he said to Eli before: you only live once. That had caused Clare to roll her eyes in a very Eli-like manner.

"What about the weekend at the cabin?" They were all exchanging stories about the past summer. For Eli and Clare, it was an opportunity to remember past events and how to make this summer even better. For Adam, he wanted to see his friends laugh and smile. It made him confident that they would be okay come tomorrow. "When we all drove up to the lake and ended up getting lost in woods after Jake scared us with that story?"

Eli snorted, "I wasn't scared. You and Alli were the scared ones! You two grabbed my hand and practically dragged me out of that cabin! Adam," Eli nudged his friend, glancing at Clare with a small, teasing smile dancing on his lips, "Remember how Clare was holding onto me _and_ how she wouldn't let me leave her sight? She made me sleep in the same bed as her!"

Clare rolled her eyes while Adam laughed, shaking his head, "That's sweet, man, but remember? I wasn't with you two and Alli that night. I stayed at the cabin with Jake and Katie and after Jake went to sleep," Adam smiled weakly, "I tried to flirt with Katie."

Eli smirked, "I had forgotten that you used to have a thing for Miss Class President."

"Yeah," Adam gave a small half-smile, "She was pretty hot and we could have had fun." He frowned, "Except for the whole trans thing." He shook his head briefly as he noticed the serious look on Eli's face and the piercing sympathy in Clare's blue eyes, "Whatever, right? I can still say I almost hooked up with her _and_ we were both sober. It was a year ago anyway. I'm one hundred and ten percent over it – and her."

"What about Becky?"

"What about her?"

Clare was cut off from answering as the waitress brought over their food. They thanked her and waited for her to leave before returning to their earlier discussion, "I mean, do you like her or what?"

Adam glanced at Eli whose ears had darkened at his girlfriend's comment, realizing that their earlier discussion about Becky wasn't the first. It was just the first that he had been a part of. "You two really do talk about everything, don't you?"

"I'm sorry, man," Eli shrugged, not looking sorry at all as he reached across the table, lacing his fingers with Clare's. This caused Adam to roll his eyes, but still he smiled. He knew that the two of them were good together and he knew that they would be able to lean on one another whenever they were tired of being strong. He had always assumed that that was what made a relationship worked. "I tell her everything."

"It's a shame that I can't say the same," Clare teased, but when Eli's eyes widened, she smiled gently and played with his hand, "I'm kidding." She then turned her attention to Adam, "But really, Adam, Becky and you? You've been in love with her for months. She's single, she has become more open-minded."

Adam laughed, turning to face Eli, "I never thought I would see the day that you two talk up Becky Baker."

"It's not really talking her up. It's more along the lines that I want my best friend to be happy and out of all the girls at our school, she's probably the best match for you. Besides, I want someone to double date with that's not your brother and Bianca," Clare let go of Eli's hand to squeeze Adam's before leaning back in the booth, grabbing a fry and popping it into her mouth, "Just think about it would you?"

"Hmm, thought about it and no," Adam said, "I'm sorry, Clare, but I just don't want a girlfriend right now. I have too much going on to try and balance a relationship too."

Eli snorted, "Too much going on? School's out, you decided not to work at the summer camp. What's stopping you?"

"Well I do have to make sure you don't do anything too stupid this summer."

Adam and Clare both laughed while Eli rolled his eyes, "You think you are so witty, Torres."

"I don't think, I know," Adam smiled as the waitress brought over the check. He pulled out his wallet and began counting bills and leaving it on the table, along with a generous tip. Eli watched his friend's actions and raised an eyebrow before exchanging a look with Clare.

"Adam, man, let me at least cover the tip."

"It's not a big deal, put your wallet away, Eli," Adam said firmly before shoving his wallet back in his pocket, "There, it's done. Let's head back to the car."

The three friends stood up with Clare lacing her arms through Adam and Eli's, "So Adam, you really are Mister Generosity today. What's going on? Trying to hide a guilty conscious?" Clare gave him a playful smirk.

"Honestly, you two rub off on one another in the scariest ways," Adam teased, "But no, I just thought that treating you guys to lunch could just be a way of expressing my appreciation of your friendship." Eli and Clare exchanged a look as Adam's gaze dropped to the ground, "I love you, guys, you know?"

"Don't listen to him, Clare," Eli teased, trying to lighten the mood, "He's probably still a bit drunk."

But Clare kept on staring at Adam with her sympathetic blue eyes.

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 12:10 P.M.

Adam kept his hood up.

He wasn't sure why he was here or what he was doing, but Drew's words kept ringing in his ear.

_I would even do something I was always too scared to do before._

He was never scared to do this. It just was something he had never thought to try before. Sure, Eli did it almost daily, even Clare had tried it once or twice with her boyfriend and with Jake. And he knew for a fact that when it wasn't sport season, Drew did it regularly, almost as much as Eli. He remembered that summer at the lake and how even Katie, the student council president, had experimented.

And based on his mother's reputation in high school and his step-father's, he guaranteed even _they_ had tried it once or twice. Whether it was similar to Eli's patterns or Katie's experimentation, they had grown up in the 70s. What would have stopped them?

If his parents had tried it and most of his friends, then what was stopping him? Adam didn't have an answer and he figured no answer was a good enough answer. He tightened his sweatshirt around himself and continued down the street, eyeing the faces of the people he passed, trying to recognize someone – anyone.

Maybe he should have asked Eli to come along with him, but after hinting that he and Clare had wanted to spend some "quality" time together, Adam had accepted that. He hugged his two best friends, whispering that he loved them once more. Eli had made another joke, but maybe after hearing Adam say it so sincerely three times, he was taking it seriously. Clare had been silent, but she had held onto Adam a second longer than normal.

"Watch where you're going," Adam stumbled slightly as someone had walked into him and their eyes met. Adam's eyes widened as did his assailant's before their eyes narrowed, a dangerous smirk appearing on their thin lips, "Oh, sup, homo?"

When he said anyone, he really hadn't meant anyone.

"Oh hey, Fitz."

Fitz, classmate of Evan and his friends, had been the main antagonist towards Adam throughout his initial days at Degrassi even before he was outed and after he had been, the torments only got worse. He had been shoved out of bathroom stalls because of Fitz and his crew, called derogatory nicknames in gym class, and had been beaten up badly on one account alongside Drew who had been trying to fight his battles for him.

Despite their past history, it dawned on Adam that Fitz was probably his best answer to the question at hand. Fitz wouldn't judge. He would laugh – mock. But he wouldn't judge. He might even be surprised, _proud_, about what Adam was about to ask him.

Adam knew he was deluding himself.

"Say Fitz, I was actually wondering if you could help me with something."

There it was. The point of no return. Now that his words touched the summer air, Adam desperately wanted to take them back. Why did he even think this was a good idea?

Fitz eyed Adam, obviously thinking the same thing, but no punches were being thrown yet so Adam took that as a good sign, "Why should I help you, Torres?"

No homo. That was another good sign.

"I can pay you?" Adam took out a fifty and Fitz's eyes widened in surprise, causing Adam to smile briefly. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea after all. Fitz was a simpleminded creature. Money, girls, juvenile insults, all could be used to sway him. It didn't take a mastermind to persuade Fitz to do anything.

Except to show common respect, but Adam supposed respect needed some sort of intelligence to be formed.

"Alright, I'll bite, Torres," Fitz crossed his arms, "What am I getting you?"

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 1:52 P.M.

Adam looked around nervously.

Was he really doing this?

_Yes._

Was choosing to do it outside of Degrassi a good idea?

_No_.

Should he have accepted Fitz's help and hung out with him and his friends?

Adam contemplated that for a moment. He wasn't sure if that was a good idea or not. On one hand, he would have known what the hell he was doing instead of trying to nonchalantly stand by the school's outdoor lunch tables like an idiot. On the other, he would have been ridiculed the entire time by Fitz.

A bell sounded, causing him to jump and he immediately looked around for red and blue lights.

He allowed himself to relax as he realized it was just the summer school students getting out for the day.

He was just getting paranoid.

He tried to compose himself before glancing down at the small bag in his hand. Despite his problems with Fitz throughout his life, the other guy had pulled through. For fifty bucks, Fitz had gotten him the bag, a small bowl, and a lighter. It embarrassed Adam to know that Fitz had automatically known that Adam wouldn't have had a lighter on him, but he supposed he understood. This _was_ the first time he was doing this.

He began packing the bowl clumsily, swearing every time he knocked some of the green on the earth. He stuffed the bowl until the top, glancing at it and wondering if it was supposed to look the way it did. Every time someone got high in a movie, the weed always seemed… cooler? Less like him stuffing oregano in a colorful pipe and getting prepared to smoke it like an idiot?

He brought the pipe to his mouth and lit it, inhaling like Fitz taught him how to.

It wasn't what he was expecting.

He began coughing and suddenly found he couldn't stop. His eyes were tearing and he felt like his lungs were burning. People did this for fun? This was worse than death.

He tossed the bowl, not even caring anymore, as he grabbed onto the table, his eyes watering as he continued coughing, his head facing down. He barely heard the voice that asked if he was alright.

He looked up and was surprised when he saw Becky standing over him, smiling gently before taking a seat as he continued coughing. She rested a hand on his shoulder before asking again, "Are you alright?"

Adam coughed and tried to give her a thumbs up, but Becky rolled her eyes at him playfully, taking a seat next to him, "Coughing is never a good sign."

Feeling his lungs begin to work again, Adam snorted, his breathing heavy and ragged, "I can understand that. I feel like I can't breathe." He shook his head, "I thought that this was supposed to be fun."

Becky glanced at the pipe and frowned, "I didn't know you did drugs."

"I don't," Adam shook his head, "I just wanted to see what everyone was going on about. I don't like it."

"I'm glad," Becky whispered softly, "You're too good of a person to be using stuff like that."

"I'm actually surprised you're still here," Adam found his own voice dropping, "I thought you would have seen me smoking and never wanted to see me again."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No, no. You can stay. Keep me company." As the words left his mouth, Adam's smile left his face as he thought back to his bedroom and what was waiting for him in there. Thankfully Becky didn't notice his new serious expression.

"Well, I can help you get rid of that?" Becky offered, glancing nervously at the pipe,

Evan smirked, "Nah, just leave it. Maybe it will make some kid's day." He stood up and offered his hand to Becky, pulling her to her feet, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

"Sure," Becky smiled and the two of them walked into the woods surrounding Degrassi. The two walked in silence for a couple of moments before Becky glanced at him, "So, tell me the truth. Why were you really trying to do that?"

Adam shrugged, looking away, "You only live once, right? I didn't want to die with any regrets."

"Sure, sure, but you shouldn't be worrying about death yet, Adam. We're young," Becky shot a glance upwards, "And God is protecting us."

"Even someone like me?"

"God loves all of us."

Adam nodded slowly, glancing away from Becky, "I hope you're right."

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 3:40 P.M.

"Was it hard?"

"Was what hard?"

"Coming out," Becky asked, pushing herself off of the picnic table the two of them had found, eyeing Adam who was still lying down. The pair had found the table and had been quietly making jokes to one another before they both fell silent. Adam had assumed Becky had fallen asleep, but when she asked her question, it became clear to him that she had instead been contemplating the way to phrase it for some time.

"Yeah," Adam answered, trying to focus his thoughts. "I lost a lot of friends, made a lot more enemies. My dad stopped talking to me, but it's not like he was around that much anyway. After he and my mom split when I was six, I would only hear from him on birthdays or holidays. I haven't seen the man since I was eleven."

"If it's any consolation," Becky said softly, staring at Adam intensely, "I think you are very brave, Adam."

Adam shook his head, "It's not bravery, Becky. I had to do it to survive. I couldn't – I couldn't live as her anymore. I would have died if I kept on pretending."

"And now?" Adam asked, "Do you regret coming out?"

Adam paused, pushing himself up as he seriously thought about the question.

He thought about being bullied by Fitz and being ostracized by his family.

He then thought about the gun up in his room.

"Gracie" had been in a lot of pain throughout her childhood, always knowing that she was different, always knowing that she wasn't supposed to have long hair or like dresses and makeup. She had always known that she was "Adam" even if it had taken her years to actually acknowledge the truth.

But would "Gracie" have bought the gun like "Adam" had? Would the pain of being closeted hurt as much as the pain of hatred and intolerance? Would she have decided to kill herself?

Adam swallowed, suddenly feeling very hot.

Was "Gracie" braver than "Adam?"

"No," Adam answered slowly, feeling as though he was fighting back tears, but he kept his voice even so that Becky wouldn't be able to tell, "If I were to die today, at least everyone would have known me as Adam instead of some mask that I was being forced to wear."

"Huh."

"What?"

Becky faced him and smiled, "You could be a poet, Mr. Torres."

Adam laughed, but suddenly everything became very serious. Whether it was the gun up in his room or Drew's words still ringing in his head, Adam leaned forward and pressed his lips against Becky's.

The kiss could have gone on for several years or just a single second, but when he pulled away, Adam quickly stood up. He focused on the ground below him, stammering nonsense before locking eyes with Becky once more and leaving.

As he ran home, he thought to himself what was he always too scared to do before?

Smoke weed?

Or kiss Becky?

He didn't have the answer.

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 6:20 P.M.

"Honestly, Adam, are you having a girl over or something?" Adam blushed as his step-father teased him. He was helping his mother into her jacket after finally persuading them to go out on a date night, claiming that they rarely had any privacy anymore. "The last time you were this eager to get us out of the house, you and Drew had thrown a party." Omar Torres frowned, eyeing Adam, "You aren't throwing a party are you?"

"Omar, come on, that was Drew's idea and you know it," Adam smiled, trying not to let his fear of what awaited him upstairs show in his eyes. "I would have much rather sat around and played Xbox. Now come on, I made your reservations for six thirty. You're going to be late."

Omar nodded and grabbed his keys before running a hand through his thinning hair, "You be good now, you hear? You're the one I'm counting on to get into college." He laughed and was about halfway out the door before Adam found the courage to say the words, he knew his step-father had patiently waited to hear for years now.

"I love you… Dad."

Omar smiled, a short barely visible grin, but Adam knew he had impacted the older man. Drew had quickly fallen in love with Adam's mom, but even after knowing the man for years, Adam had never been able to see Omar as a father. Now, when time was short, he realized the man was the father he always wanted. "I love you too, son."

Audra Torres stood in front of her son and touched his cheek, a smile on her lips as her only son finally accepted her husband, "I'm proud of the man you're becoming, Adam."'

He wrapped his arms around his mom, his eyes flooding with tears as he whispered, "I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Adam. So very much."

Adam walked them to the door and closed it behind them. He stood by the window and watched them drive away before crumbling down on the ground, finally breaking down. He lied on the ground, sobbing, clutching at his heart for a long time. Seconds ticked by and minutes before he finally found the courage to stand up.

He was upset that he would be causing his family pain.

He was devastated that he would be causing his friends pain.

He was in tears knowing that everyone who loved him would be in pain.

Yet the fear never settled in and he walked up the stairs to his room, shutting the door behind him.

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 7:34 P.M.

"Adam!" Drew called, sprinting up the stairs, taking two at a time almost slipping at the top one because of one of his brother's socks, "Adam, what was that sound?" Drew swallowed the lump in his throat, pounding on his brother's door, "Adam…" He was choking on his words and he was suddenly angry at his brother for making him worry by not answering the door, "Adam, you better not be playing with Dad's firecrackers! Mom will kill you!"

After waiting another second, Drew pounded on the door again, "Adam, open the door or I'm coming in!"

Another second ticked by slowly and Drew shouted at the door where he hoped Adam was lounging on his bed, listening to obnoxiously loud music, "Alright! I'm coming in!" Drew threw himself at the door, trying to force it open, but it remained firmly shut. He shouted desperately, not even knowing what he was saying, as he punched at the wood, kicking it, scratching it, anything to make it open. It held steadfast throughout his entire assault.

Drew had never hated Adam more. Not even the time that he had stained his favorite Superman shirt because he wanted to wear it after his mother had forbidden Adam from wearing any boy's clothes. Not even when he had accidentally broken his DS. He hated his brother for not answering his door, for making him cry and scream and worry. He hated Adam, but he knew if Adam opened the door now, he would throw himself down at his brother's feet.

He reached out and grabbed the doorknob, twisting it in anger and desperation.

The door swung open.

* * *

June 23rd, 2013 – 7:35 P.M

Drew looked at his brother sitting on the bed, a gun in his hand and tears rolling down his face. The two Torres boys locked eyes with one another and Drew threw himself at Adam, embracing his brother and tightening his grip on the white binder that clung to his skin. Adam's own arms encircled him and the two boys sat there and cried for a long time. Drew heard the faint drop of the gun, but for now he didn't care.

He didn't know everything.

He didn't know what had happened when the door was still shut.

But his brother was in his arms – alive.

However, everything must come into light sometime and after finally catching his breath, Drew pulled back and stared at his younger brother. Adam's hair was a mess, his eyes were red from crying so much, and his face was pale with fear? Relief? His breath was ragged and Drew watched as he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stop the shaking that was taking over his small frame.

"What happened?" Drew whispered his voice hoarse and he only then realized how long it was that he had been crying with his brother. "What were you doing?"

"The… he…" To Drew's surprise, Adam began to smile even as tears were rolling down his face, "He sold me blanks. The man who sold me the gun gave me blanks. He must have known I didn't want to die. He knew. He knew." Adam shook his head, whispering now, "He saved my life."

Drew wanted to know everything. He wanted to know why his brother wanted to die. He wanted to know why he wanted to leave him, but he knew those questions could wait. He knew the answers would still be there in the morning. Right now, he just wanted to thank a God who he didn't believe in and hug his brother.


End file.
